Category Archives: Anxiety

It’s Happening!

We are moving back to my hometown of Lakeland, Florida at the end of May! Foxer and I will be flying down and meeting Dadu, Grandma and Grandpa there with the rental truck and our car. I just ordered a rolling carry on Fox picked out himself with a plane and helicopter on it.

One moment Fox is grinning about the move and the next he’s saying he doesn’t want to go to Florida. I think it’s the feelings of change and uncertainty we all feel when moving a thousand miles, in a 3 year old without experiences to draw on and with less control over his world. Helping him work through these feelings certainly isn’t easy, but I can’t bear to imagine how it would be if we tried to stop any acting out with a forceful hand instead of working out what’s really going on.

With any big change like this there are lots of feels. The three of us are cycling through feelings of elation, joy and hope, and then time of doubt, fear, and insecurity. Important to remember to pause and relate when it doesn’t come naturally.

I’ve been anchoring myself through yoga, pilaties, music, dancing, journaling, cleaning, organizing, purging all the necessary things just taking up space, and praying. I remind myself and we remind each other that this is totally the right thing to do. Then it’s back to work on my Etsy shop and more moving perpetrations. Trying to ride the waves. Getting back up as necessary without getting hung up on the falling part.

Dadu will have a nice steady job at the Chop Shop and we’ll be able to come back to visit our Indiana friends and family. Here we’ve been so strapped that we were only to swing one trip back to Florida in 5 years! Things should be more balanced after this move.

Getting excited about all the things we’ll get to do. The beach, (I am so not meant to live landlocked), feeding the ducks, swans, geese, and other water birds at the lakes downtown. Reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. Determined to NOT be a HERMIT! Going to get outside! Fox will get to play in the woods I explored as a child. I’ll even take some mama time to head down to the local coffee shop to blog and meet up with friends. Actually get to go on dates with Russ, more than sorta once.

Looking forward to this new chapter. It’s been real Indiana, there is certainly something special about Bloomington, but it’s time for us to go home and build on all we’ve learned, combining it with who we’ve always been.

Must Break

Even though there may be an ever-pressing list of things to do, like all that comes with running an Etsy shop, I’ve learned the hard way how it is imperative to take time to recharge when the opportunity arises.

It may not be often, but it’s necessary. It’s true what they say about a happy woman making a happy home. We are the heart and hearth of our families. If we’re not in a good state, our families aren’t. I have to take the time alone to recharge and center myself. It’s a good thing for all.

Besides, they can always call for me at any point. So I try to enjoy it. However long, (or short), it may be. So I try not to feel guilty or selfish for having the need and taking the time to do what I need to to be whole. Time alone with music and art, reading or writing, making something, putting something together. Weaving thoughts and ideas together, turning them over in my mind. Processing.

Before my break today I was in a charged fog of frustrating anxiety, worrying about money.

Russ got home, I ducked into the bathroom, put my headphones on and worked on this blog post. Alone. For a moment, no demands. Space to think and feel. Recharge.

Being a mom has taught me just how important time alone to recharge is for me. Ever the introvert.

introvert paradise

I stepped out into the backyard to find a sunset picnic dinner made by my guys. Afterwards, Fox wanted to look through the pantry, asking what everything was and where it came from.

With my short, pre-break, fuze I may not have had the patience to talk about each item with him. I would have missed his showing me how much we do have. Thanks for teaching me, little Fox.

Recharging makes me grateful to Russ for taking the lead while I tap out for a spell. Once I’m recharged I’m able to see him with clearer eyes. Apart from all the things on his honey-do list or the veil of my own anxieties. Instead, there are the sweet things I sometimes overhear when the two of them are playing in the other room. Makes my heart smile.

So no guilt. I still keep having to tell myself that. Do you?

Daring to be free

It takes courage to take the blinders off, but the blissful clarity that follows can be amazingly spectacular.

Let go of the unnecessary garbage that bogs us down. Cast it off and breathe easier under a lightened load. Be free from perfection. It’s an illusion anyway. Let others be responsible for their thoughts and actions. You are only in charge of your own. Know that all you are is enough and all you need to be, unique in the universe.

I’m exceedingly grateful to have, in my husband, an authentic and devoted partner who delights in uncovering truths. Unafraid to get up in the guts of an issue. Cheering me on along the way, reminding me that we can conquer anything and come through stronger for it.

20140718-223403-81243864.jpg

We’re going on an adventure!

We leave for my hometown this week. The first time back since my husband and I moved away three years ago. I hadn’t imagined it would be for so long when we left. That’s just life I guess.

I’m nervous about how the traveling part will go down. About my husband who’s afraid to fly. How I’m going to get us all out of the house and on our way at 5am. And how our son will do in the car. (He hates the car seat and usually refuses to sleep in it). Praying all goes smoothly at the airport.

It will be my toddler’s first big trip. First time out of state and first plane ride. He’ll finally get to meet my brothers and sister, some of my best friends and hopefully some more family.

I’m excited to go back to the place that I’ll always think of as home with my little family. Looking forward to sharing the place where I grew up with my little guy.

All our reservations are made. I have a list of things to pack, places to go, and people to see. Just have to remember to relax and have a good time.

Here’s to a wonderful adventure!

Leaping over fears

There are so many things I used to be afraid to do. Paralyzed to even set out on my own, I felt like I needed someone to go with me or I wouldn’t go.

Simple everyday things like going to the grocery store or making a phone call to a stranger.

I would mentally rehearse how things might go. And if I couldn’t imagine it for a given situation, I either simply wouldn’t do it or I’d do anything I could to get out of it.

Now, even though I sometimes feel a twinge of anxiety, I focus instead on how it feels to have done it anyway. And sometimes, more an more, there’s no fear at all.

Even though my husband is afraid to fly, he’s coming with me to visit my family and our friends in Florida. It’s been nearly three years since we moved to Indiana and last saw most of them.

This will be the first time everyone, except my parents, will get to meet our son.

I’m just not allowed to talk to my husband about the trip at all or he gets super anxious and crabby.

So it’s all on me. All the planning and arrangements. All the preparations for a trip with a one year old.

This week I got on the phone and booked our flights to FL, reserved our rental car with car seat, and booked our hotel. I even picked up my little guy’s birth certificate on a whim after work one day.

I felt like a rock star. I’m nervous, but excited and proud of myself for doing it all on my own.